from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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