Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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