Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
