This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize