I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
