i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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