We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
