I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
