The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
