Jerry, you need to find god
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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