Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
