So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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