my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
