it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.