I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
