either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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