I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
