your thong is hanging out like whoa
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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