my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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