What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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