It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
