I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
