Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize