Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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