it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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