even my farts smell like vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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