gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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