I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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