So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Randomize
