Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
