i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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