Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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