Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
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Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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