my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
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I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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