I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
