I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
