happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
