No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
