Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
