I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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