it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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