Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
