Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I understand Curling. That high.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
