I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
