i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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