Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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