and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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