happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
