wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
