I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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